Spectrum Recovery Solutions

Is your partner acting out sexually, with porn or with others?  

Read this letter to the wife of a sex addict who is struggling with confronting her wayward spouse:

I can see that you are in a lot of pain.  I am concerned that you are placing yourself in danger by refusing to confront your husband about his unacceptable behavior and by consenting to have unprotected sex with him, despite knowing that there is a fair degree of certainty that he continues to act out by having unprotected sex with who-knows-whom.

It sounds like he is out-of-control in active addiction and that it is escalating.  This is not good.

I urge you to be more concerned for your own health and well-being than for your marriage.  I am going to shout this next bit, so as to get your attention:

YOU DID NOT CAUSE HIS SEX ADDICTION.

YOU CANNOT STOP OR FIX HIS SEX ADDICTION.

HIS SEX ADDICTION IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

YOU MUST TAKE STEPS TO PROTECT AND CARE FOR YOURSELF. NOBODY ELSE IS GOING TO DO THAT FOR YOU.

I understand that you love and care for him.  But you cannot help him.  He must help himself.  By staying with him under the present circumstances, without imposing any consequences for his incredibly selfish, insane, and hurtful behavior, you are actually ENABLING him to continue.  He is in a bubble of addiction right now.

THERE IS NO "US" TO GET BACK ON TRACK right now.  The only hope you have is to either move out or kick him out and to be ready to cut ties completely UNLESS AND UNTIL HE STOPS ACTING OUT AND GETS INTO RECOVERY.  He has no motivation to change right now.  Your pain means nothing to his addict.

He is not respecting you, because you are not respecting yourself.  YOU ARE ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE ABUSED, hoping that it will change him.  It won't.  It only hurts you.  It will keep going as long as you will tolerate it.  What is your biggest fear?  That you will lose your marriage?  WHAT MARRIAGE?!

He does not respect or honor your marriage.  Whatever you have is not even CLOSE to what you want or deserve.  Yet you are accepting it.  GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES.  You must take the first step.  You must love your husband enough to let him go, knowing that your action is what MIGHT motivate him to snap out of it and realize where he is and what he is about to lose.  IF and only IF he commits to REAL CHANGE can you risk staying married to him and perhaps have the loving marriage you want.  That is your only hope.

Deliver an ultimatum that you are ABSOLUTELY resolved to carry through, whatever that is.  No matter what HE does, YOU must be prepared to do what is best for YOU.  You may have to walk away from the marriage.  Paradoxically, it is only when you show this level of resolve that your marriage has a chance of surviving.  God  can and will heal your relationship but only if BOTH of you work TOGETHER to seek God's grace.